I've spent a lot of my life living in fear. Fear that I would never be good enough, that I'd never live up to my own incredibly high expectations, and fear for my general safety and well-being. I've gotten much better at managing myself, but lately I've started to feel myself unraveling. This weekend I had the first panic attack that I've had in months. I watched myself from above and saw my heart beating outside of my chest, my face turn white and vision go blurry.
I don't know what I'm afraid of. Mostly doubt I think, and it creeps in at the worst possible times. As I'm locking the door to my apartment before I leave for work in the morning, or after I've tackled a new personal project and I'm wondering if it's even worth sharing with the world.
I don't feel like I'm home anymore. And I can't shake the feeling that something bad is coming. It all makes sense though, with the awful things we've been reading in the news. It's not fair. None of it's fair. I'm tired of bad things happening to good people and I'm tired of wanting to curl up in a ball every night and watch life pass right by me.
I'm sure there are some schools of thought that encourage using fear to your own advantage. As a tool that motivates you to do better and achieve more than you thought you could. But I think that's exactly how white supremacists are using their fear. The fear of losing privilege that was never really theirs to begin with. I don't want to be like them. Are there other ways of managing?
I know fear. But I don't want to embrace it. Anyone else feel that way lately?Read More