It's no secret that eating is the ultimate cure for sadness and loneliness. You can use a nice meal to bring people together and sometimes it even works when you're hungry!
Food makes me feel so many things. When I bite into a block of cheddar cheese, I know that everything is going to be okay. A salty bite of popcorn makes me feel like I have a fulfilling relationship with my parents, and the sweet crunch of a cookie reminds me that I don't need a boyfriend to feel loved. Food is magic.
Today I'm going to share with you my favorite foods and how I use them to live my best life.
When I'm at work I like to eat Lean Cuisines, or frozen meals. I do this because it gives people the illusion that I'm healthy and concerned about what I put into my body (hint: I'm not). In college I spent the summer eating Lean Cuisines at my desk job. At that time they were running a promotion where you got 10 points for every frozen meal you ate, which you then cashed in for prizes. Like Chuck E Cheese but for grown adults who need well portioned, and flavorful frozen entrees. I managed to get so many points that I was able to score a lunch bag (100 points), wine bottle stoppers (200 points) and a wine rack (2500 points). I'm awful at math, but I'm pretty sure that means that in the span of 3 months I ate 280 lean cuisines. My greatest accomplishment to date.
Grocery Store Sushi
Please note the important distinction here. I love all sushi. But the sushi you get at your local grocery store is the perfect item to eat in bed, with your hands, after a long day at work where you pretended that you were healthy. There's just something about room temp sushi that was made last night that really reacts well with the pleasure center of my brain.
Any and all. If you read my blog regularly, which you should, you know that every Monday I post a new dessert recipe. Well I actually make those desserts, and I would never insult them by throwing them away. I get to eat pie for breakfast, cookies for snacks and cakes for second breakfast. Sometimes I bring leftovers into the office just to keep up with the illusion that I'm well adjusted and have the will power to resist sugar foods.
We don't have a Del Taco in my hometown, but there's a Del Taco very close to my apartment in Los Angeles. It's literally the best thing ever. I go to Del Taco so often that the drive thru worker and I have this cute little routine where he pretends he doesn't recognize me. Then I order 15 items and make a joke at the end about how "that's it". Hahah so funny, we have such a good time together. Seriously though you can get so much food for like 4 dollars there. It's heaven. Tacos are perfect for every occasion.
Cheetos from Trader Joe's
I get dumped a lot. And I have my breakup routine down perfectly. I cry a little bit. Then I don't have the appetite to eat for about a week and a half. And then I eat the Cheetos from Trader Joe's until I can't feel my face anymore.
This one works best if you directly inject it into your heart. Really gives you that extra boost in the morning. Did you know that if you hold a mug of coffee close to your ear, like if you were listening to the ocean in a seashell, you can hear it whispering "I own you" Because you can. That's definitely true and definitely not something I hallucinated.
This isn't even a funny one. It's just my favorite food of all time. It's a casserole that my mom makes whenever I come home and it has chicken, cheese and broccoli in it. You put it over rice and it's a revelation.
This is a new one for me. The other day I got my hair cut, then went next door to the Armenian Bakery and on a whim I bought a tray of Baklava. Then I went home and ate the whole thing while admiring my new haircut in the mirror and maintaining full eye contact with myself. I like baklava.
Ice cream normally comes frozen, but I like it better when you leave it to melt. Then you can just pour it into a glass and drink it faster. It's delicious, and an efficient way to get an entire months worth of calories in about two and half minutes.
You guys already know how I feel about this perfectly cooked protein, but it's worth repeating. Eat it for dinner, eat it in your car, eat it in the bathtub after you get home from a date where you pretended you don't eat that much and only ordered a salad.
I don't know.