Are you having trouble finding the perfect Holiday gift for your single friends? Is that because you're so happy and fulfilled in your relationship right now that you don't even remember what it's like to eat dinner alone? Well that must be nice.
Finding gifts for anybody can be hard, but it's especially difficult finding the perfect present for that friend of yours who doesn't have anyone to keep her warm at night. It's too bad, she's such a great girl, but she's so clearly miserable with all that free time she has and while she pursues meaningful relationships with her friends and family.
Luckily for you, I'm aggressively single right now, so I've compiled a nice little list to help you out. These are just some ideas, don't feel like you need to get me everything on the list.
These are nice because when lit they will fill her home with a wonderful fragrance. Perfect for covering up the sweet smell of desperation that seems to linger during the holidays.
Automatic Coffee Pot
Oh so you have someone to wake you up with a warm cup of the coffee in the morning? Quit bragging and buy your friend a coffee pot with an automatic timer. Because when she wakes up in the morning and remembers just how alone she really is, she at least deserves some coffee that made itself, even if she has to get out of that queen size bed she gets all to herself to get it.
Because your lonely friend needs something to keep her warm at night and she hasn't felt the touch of another human being in roughly six months.
They make falling asleep easier. You know when you're just on the brink of sleep, and suddenly hit with the realization that every man you've ever loved has let you down? Well you probably don't, because you're happy and emotionally satisfied right now. But your lonely, single friend doesn't have the luxury of sharing a bed with someone who needs to constantly be holding onto her at all times, even when it's 80 degrees outside. Melatonin is an okay substitute for the gentle snores your boo lets out while he's snoozing. Sweet dreams!
If you really love your friend you'll help her find a lawyer that can set up her will, because if she's single during the holidays she might as well be dead!!!!! Hahahhahaahaha
Maybe if she just put some stuff on that face of hers, she'd be able to get someone to go on a date with her.
This isn't really a tangible thing, but maybe you've got a male friend who, after some reflection, might not be so bad after all? You could set them up! It would be so cute! Bonus points if you dated him in the past but deemed him unworthy, and triple bonus points if you describe him as having " a great personality!!" If he's not good enough for you, he'll probably be perfect for your desperate friend. She should be getting ready to settle down now right? She's 24 for God's sake.
I don't know. She's been "working on herself" a little too much lately, don't you think? Maybe if you get her a nice puzzle or something she'll sit at home and realize how lonely she is. There's no way she's having fun when she's out in the world experiencing new things and discovering herself.
I'm sorry your friend is so lonely during the holiday season. Just think about how sad she must be that she doesn't have to spend 2 months thinking of the perfect gift for her boyfriend, only for him to open it up and look questioningly at her. Boys are so silly!
We all know that the secret to happiness is placing that responsibility on your significant other. You can only be truly happy if you have someone to fight over the covers with at night. That's why we're always ignoring how proud our single friend is when she talks about that awesome project she's in charge of at work, or that fun new running club she joined. We want to know if she's dating anyone, dammit! How do you even have any kind of rewarding life without someone you can complain to at the end of the day?
These gifts won't fix that, but they'll at least tide her over until Valentine's Day. That's when the real fun/misery begins.
That's pretty much it, Happy Holidays everyone!