I did a juice cleanse and I am going to blog about it. I think that means i've officially earned my residency in LA. Well, first I have to go to the DMV and get all the turn signals removed from my car, then I'm an official LA resident. Because apparently if you want to fit in here, it's not a good idea to alert people when you'll be changing lanes on the 101. Oh and also you have to call every freeway "the" instead of "I-101" or something equally as stupid. Sorry, I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.
Awhile back I had a good 3 weeks in between gigs (I'm a freelance television producer). Which gave me my first chance at time off since I moved to Los Angeles a little over a year ago. I made sure that I used that time to really let myself go. The time off started out as a chance for some much needed relaxation, but instead turned into a weird study of my descent into total madness. I ate pasta, chocolate and ice cream. I bought The Sims 4 and played it for two days straight. I wore sweatpants exclusively and rarely washed my hair. Just total destruction really.
I also managed to re watch every episode of Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer. And please don't worry, I definitely didn't do any laundry during that time. Nothing productive at all was done. Also spoiler alert, I gained 15 pounds.
When I woke up from the 3 week long fever dream, I went back to work and was just feeling very sluggish and not like myself. So I came up with the brilliant idea of doing a juice cleanse. Only for one day though, I'm pretty terrified of commitment so even that was rough. But juice cleanse supporters promise a fresh start for your body with each juice filled day, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
I purchased 8 juices and 1 detox shot from Orchard Flats Juicery in Burbank. I went during their 'happy hour' and had a free juice coupon so I ended up saving about $25 off their normal price. I purchased the juice with my own money and this post is not affiliated with the juicery. I also didn't follow their actual juice cleanse plan, I just ordered juices that sounded good and some that seemed healthy. That was my first mistake. In all fairness, the salesperson was kind enough to warn me that I "might get hungry" during my cleanse. At least he warned me.
Here's my diary entries from the day I did my juice cleanse:
10:00 am - Groundworks 3
Great. I'm feeling great. This is a great thing. I'm happy to be drinking this juice. I already feel so energized! I should do this all the time!
12:00pm - Healthy Greens 2
Wow I can't believe all the vegetables inside this one bottle! Like 8 to be exact. I wonder how much juice you could produce if you put me through the juicer? That's weird. Why am I thinking about that?
2:00pm - Orchard 2
Wow so I'm really just gonna be drinking juice all day, huh? I should have thought about this more. Is it normal to be this hungry? Can I put nachos in a juicer? Can you chew juice?
4:00 pm - Vanilla Almond Pro
This one is good.
6:00 pm - Groundworks 1
This one is not. Juice should not be spicy and this juice was. And honestly I am sick and tired of beets being a thing. They are gross and not good. I need everyone to stop lying to themselves and others about beets and the way they taste. Not worth the health benefits.
8:00 pm - Orchard 1
The television is taunting me now. Playing McDonald's commercials like it knows I'm not allowed to eat solid food.. Rude. Did anyone ever tell you that broadcast television is a dying industry Mr. Boob Tube? Maybe you should think twice about making me your enemy.
8:00 pm - Detox Shot
Actual hell. This is even worse than that beet juice. I paid money for this. I paid a business to supply me with my own torture materials. I PICKED THIS OUT. I have a college degree and I'm still doing this to my body. I regret every decision I have ever made. I wish that chair over there would stop looking at me like that.
10:00 PM - Mint Aloe Vera H20
The juice is drinking me now.
Good news. I made it through an entire day on a juice cleanse and the only symptoms I experienced were constant pangs of hunger and mild to extreme hallucinations. But I did feel better. If anything I'll just use the threat of a juice cleanse as a way to make myself eat better from now on. I think for me juices are much better enjoyed as a single meal, not a replacement for an entire day of meals. Or maybe a snack in between meals.
Props to the heroes who can go for days on a juice cleanse. You're a better person than I am.
Here's some tips to help you as you embark on a juice cleanse:
- I'm not kidding don't do it.
- At least follow the instructions. You are not a juice god. Don't pick random juices you think will work and expect them to fulfill your basic daily need for calories.
- Stay indoors. I ventured out in public and that made me 50 shades of uneasy.
- Sleep. That's just good advice in general. You're welcome to follow that advice even if you're not on a juice cleanse.
Major props to me for making it through an entire juice cleanse post without making a joke about going on a cheeseburger cleanse or a donut cleanse. It was rough but I did it. You're welcome for the original content everyone.