Shockingly enough, this essay isn't going to be about dating. But only because I've already written an essay about that, Dating and Other Nightmares. I'm predictable and dead inside, what can I say?
Today I'm going to share with you two of the things that keep me up at night and prevent me from living a well adjusted life. I don't know why I enjoy sharing things like this with the internet, but I'm sure I'll sort it out in therapy someday.
1. Cats That Stand On Their Hind Legs
Before I show you proof, let me explain myself. Cats that stand up like humans literally make me wish cats didn't exist. It's so genuinely terrifying to see them stand up that when I think about it, I can't stop thinking about it. They make my skin crawl. Also, let's be clear, I have zero problems with cats. You guys know this, because of my cat Mary who I take pictures with all of the time. I'm lucky that she doesn't know how to stand on her hind legs because then I would have to stop telling her all of my secrets. She'd no longer be trustworthy to me.
Cats that stand are their hind legs are deeply confused about the role they play in our lives. Someone needs to remind those cats that they are not humans or meerkats. They are cats and the only appropriate thing for them to do is wake me up in the middle of the night because they're running around so much, and then ignore me during the day because they have more important cat things to do. They should not be standing up on their hind legs and trying to convince me that they aren't possessed by the devil.
Do you understand now? Did you watch that god awful video? Are you okay? Do you need to talk about it? It's okay, I understand, together we will gently push that cat onto all four legs and make sure that we're nice to it. We'll be nice about it because someday cats are definitely going to rule the world and we'll be the ones crawling around.
No, not the band phish, don't be stupid. I spelled it like F-I-S-H for a reason. I am so genuinely afraid of fish that I haven't dipped my toes in a natural body of water since 2009. I like swimming pools that are absent of fish, and seaweed for that matter, but let's just talk about scary fish for right now.
I don't know where It started, or why, but I do have a very vivid memory of going to the Seattle Science Museum with my parents. We were there learning about the ocean, and we took this "elevator" ride that took us to each layer of the ocean. We went deeper and deeper, and at each floor a window lit up and showed us the types of creatures that live at the bottom of the sea. I got so scared looking at all those gross fish that I had my first panic attack and the entire group in the elevator ending up comforting me. I definitely ruined that learning experience for them. Also I was about 11 in that scenario, but it's seriously a thing that could have happened a month ago and all of the details would still be true. Especially the fact that I relied on strangers to comfort me, aka the number one reason I have this blog.
Fish are terrifying because they can breathe underwater, first of all. That's gross and weird and they should not be able to do that. They're also terrifying because they don't have legs, and watching them flop around on land is the most awful thing in the world. I hate knowing that when I'm on a boat, there are millions of fish just swimming around underneath me. And I'm not just afraid of those gross deep sea fish, I'm scared of regular ones like salmon too. Those ones are just big enough that imagining brushing my feet on one makes me want to move to a land-locked state where I'm in no danger of ever seeing a fish in its natural habitat.
Don't even get me started on the sociopaths who get pedicures where little fish chew on their toes. That is horrifying and I would rather cut my toes off individually than watch a bunch of fish do that to me.
Welcome to my hell. I hope you enjoyed it.
Quick update on blog entries for the next two months, I just accepted a job that's taking me out of the country for 8 weeks, so I won't be able to update as regularly as I usually do. I'll have access to wi-fi, but I'll be working 12 hour days so who knows if I'll have time to sleep, let along update my blog. I've been scrambling to bake a bunch and compile recipes, and I'll be doing my very best to at least get Friday essays up because those are my favorite to write. At the very least I'll be taking a ton of pictures, so pop on over to my instagram (@josievorenkamp) to follow along.
Fingers crossed that there won't be any fish where I'm going.