I know what you're thinking. " A beautiful girl like you needs to ask men out on dates?! How is it possible?!" Well hey, thank you for thinking that. But yes I do. Pretty much every date I've ever been on and every relationship I've ever been in happened because I made the first move. And not to brag but I've been on like 6 dates. Which is a normal amount.
Things aren't like they used to be ladies. We don't have to sit around at the mercy of men waiting for them to get up the nerve to ask us out. It's 2016 and we are woke as hell. We're strong, independent, and we don't need no man to invite us out for drinks. We can invite them! Because we're strong and independent! And thirsty!
And let me guess, you're getting a little older, spending more and more time alone, and you're really starting to feel the pressure from your friends and family to take part in a meaningful relationship. I don't care if you're very fulfilled both emotionally and creatively now that you're finally pursuing your creative passions and experiencing success in your career. Your mom won't shut up about how all your friends from back home are married and having children, and if we're being honest, it's been kind of awkward showing up to weddings with your stuffed cat pillow as your plus one.
Now honestly it's pretty easy. When you meet someone you're interested in getting to know better, possibly in the context of romance, you just tell them that and ask them to do an activity with you.
But you didn't come here because you want easy, practical advice. After all, you're reading my blog. You should know by now that I don't really take anything seriously. But anyways, if you're feeling adventurous, maybe you should follow these steps? Small disclaimer, these steps have about a 20% success rate. I am absolutely not qualified to be giving this kind of advice.
Step One: Overthink the Hell Out of This
Get ready to overthink the hell out of this situation. Do you really want to ask this guy out? What if he says no? Should you text him? Call him? Are you really ready for a relationship right now? What if he wants you to meet his mom? What if he asks you to move in with him? You just bought that new couch, would he ask you to sell it? Moving is the worst! You have to pack all your stuff up, and it takes so much time, and then you have to clean everything. You don't even know anyone with a truck, how are you supposed to move the couch?
The world is full of so many things to stress out about. And a relationship is definitely one of them. If you find yourself overthinking your future relationship with this guy to the point of nausea, then you're doing things correctly and you can now move on to step two.
Step Two: Don't Let Him Know You're Crazy
Let's assume you made it past the overthinking stage. Now what you need to focus on is not letting him realize how absolutely insane you are. Guys hate that.
You can do this a few ways:
1. Never talk to him.
2. Stop bringing your stuffed cat pillow everywhere you go.
3. Pretend you're interested in sports and not weird stuff like reading Beyonce themed think-pieces.
I know this one is tricky. But trust me, you will never get a man to go out with you if he thinks you're a maniac. In my experience it's best to keep the crazy hidden for the first couple of months, until he finally feels comfortable enough to cry in front of you. Then you have permission to lose your goddamned mind. Relationships are best when your partner is living in constant fear of your next manic episode, but your man is gonna need a little time to adjust to his wacky new lifestyle.
Step Three: Like the Stuff He Likes
This is important. Men don't like dating women who have their own thoughts, opinions and interests. They like dating versions of themselves who also have breasts. The guy you're interested in has tattoos? Good. Get a tattoo. His favorite food is steak? Oh look what you conveniently have in your purse, 16 different steak recipes and a premium porterhouse. The key to success here is to be very blatant about letting him know what you have in common. Men don't understand subtlety and it's important that you don't waste their time, or yours. If you have to scream at him for him to understand how perfect you are for each other, then that's what you have to do. But don't try to pretend that you like football. I'm pretty sure no one actually likes football.
Step four: Asking
So you've done all the ground work. Laid a foundation of success. This guy knows you're interested and most definitely likes you back. Now the only thing standing in the way of your future together is that first date. But how are you going to ask him? Here's a few options and what they say about you:
1. Face-to-face - Do this if you're a badass.
2. Text - Do this is you're a little worried he might say no. If he does, it's really easy to immediately text back and say "omg my friend took my phone and asked you out. so weird. can't believe u thought i wanted to go out w you. you wish!!" It's subtle and will help you save face.
3. Vaguely slip it into conversation - the trick to this one is to be so sly about it that he leaves the conversation wondering exactly what happened. If you use phrases like, "hang out" or "get together" there's no way he can know for sure what to expect. This allows you the freedom to change your mind at the last minute and bring all of your close friends if he turns out to be a weirdo.
Now go. Drop what you're doing right now and ask him out. Then come back for step five.
STEP FIVE: CRYING
Doesn't matter if he cheerfully says yes or if he awkwardly says no, it's time for you to immediately start crying. Crying the the most effective form of self expression, and quite frankly the only way to clearly get your point across. Guys love emotional women, because it makes you seem weak and unstable. You're constantly hanging by a thread, and at the mercy of your emotions, so make sure your man knows that! You might be worried that this will contradict all the work you did in step two to keep him from letting him know you're crazy. And it definitely will. But I never promised these tips would make sense, and honestly you kind of knew what you were getting into when you clicked this article.
Well, there you go. Five fool proof tips for asking men out, artfully curated by the world's most single woman, possibly ever. Have fun!
If you like these kind of tips, and are looking for more solid advice from me check out these essays:
I wrote this essay from my perspective as a straight woman, but please don't feel like you can't follow these steps if your sexual identity is different than mine. I believe that everyone has the right to fail at relationships just as miserably as I do.